Lately, I have been watching the OG 'Sex and the City' series and it has got me thinking, what about it resonates with me? Is it the hope of a life that's beyond mine? Is it the craving for great gal pals? Is it the insatiable thirst for handsome, rich, Mr. Bigs that are out there? And the answer to it was obvious. I was bored, and felt secluded in my own head. Which is why I made up this whole idea about a life in New York with great friends. The truth about me though? I am a chronic couch potato. I don't know what about it exactly, but the whole idea of getting to relax my spine against something soft and watching other people's art just has that allure to it.
It took me three weeks to come to terms with it. I was lazy. But that wasn't the only thing that made me go off track and not do things that I enjoy. Mind you, being a student is a cakewalk in the ways it's not a cakewalk for students? You think that sounds confusing, then you should watch out for life. I also realised I was borderline depressed.
A friend of mine, who I only see once a week, pointed out aptly, "Depression is a state of inactivity. You should do something, anything and you will get over it. Come to Ahmedabad", to which my casual response was, "What good would that do?" And also, "That's a three hour ride one way. No way, I am doing that over the weekend", and I didn't. Instead I chose to stay in bed, wash my hair and write a freaky story called 'Balding'.
It wasn't even then that I thought I was depressed. What really made me acknowledge it, was the fact that I was forever on the edge! I wanted to not talk to people, I didn't want to respond to texts, and I wanted to run away from the couch for a change. So, how did I get there? I had no idea. All I knew was something was wrong with how things were organized in my head. And it almost seems like I am going on and on about the same thing. But just as soon, I had taken my friend's advice and picked myself up and started showing up for classes; I felt my absolute worst but voila! I wasn't feeling depressed.
Depression can only make you feel nothing as long as you don't feel a thing. And feeling bad about anything is still a feeling. It sounds vicious. But it breaks the cycle. To tackle something that looks bad, you just gotta do something worse. Then you realise how small the initial bad thing becomes. It isn't a long term plan, but it sure does work. But then it's easy to slip off back to the dark clutches of the D word.
So, I pick up other things to keep myself busy. Like writing. Like sleeping. Like getting tired. But these were all shallow substitutions for the real problem. I lacked the feeling of human closeness. For a bit, I thought I was over it. Isn't that how you get over things that bother you? By ignoring their existence.
My time alone made me reflect on a lot of things. You might think you really know yourself, unless you find yourself in a quiet place and you don't. Then, you start thinking about all the people you know. I don't know if it's natural enough that you only remember them by their flaws. It makes you feel better then, to think you distanced yourself in good spirits. But then you don't. You remember the good things then. Makes you happy for a bit. Then you cry about being an awful person. The next thing you know Monday is here. You cannot go to Ahmedabad. You are eating food that you don't like and you gotta show up for work or college or at some hospital. Then you start feeling bad. Not depressed. And then, you keep feeling bad for so long that you cannot do nothing. And then... You are really really depressed. And utterly stuck.
So, how does one get through it? Well, I haven't figured that bit out. But the only way one could try to get over it is. To do something. Anything. Like getting up. Hitting the road. Dressing up for no reason. Looking up 'Bratz doll under 1k' on Google. Buying a clear phone case. Make stories that make no sense. And, that's what I will be doing this weekend.
What are you up to... Sometime, this week?
Photo by Beyzanur K.: https://www.pexels.com/photo/cozy-indoor-scene-with-turkish-tea-28617424/
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